Hoopty

The car of the future won’t fly. It won’t run on hopes and dreams. But it will ask if you’re feeling stressed and whether you’d like it to play a chillwave playlist while it books your next oil change.

Yep. ChatGPT—and its AI buddies—are making their way into your car. But whether this is a revolutionary driving companion or just the next annoying infotainment upgrade depends entirely on who’s building it, what it actually does, and how many “premium subscription” features it locks behind a $14.99/month paywall.

Who’s Putting ChatGPT in Cars?

Mercedes-Benz is already testing ChatGPT inside its MBUX infotainment system. Instead of limited commands like “turn on AC,” you can ask, “Hey, how do I fold the third-row seats down?” and get a natural response. Or if you’re feeling chatty: “What’s the difference between torque and horsepower?” and suddenly you’re in a physics lecture with leather seats.

General Motors, ever the contrarian, decided to ditch Apple CarPlay and Android Auto entirely in favor of their own AI-powered infotainment experience—one that they hope will feel smarter, more personal, and less like yelling into a drive-thru speaker.

And you can bet Tesla’s frothing at the digital mouth to add an AI assistant that does everything from coaching your driving to responding to tweets from inside the car. (Bonus points if it misquotes Elon in real time.)

Actual Useful Things AI Could Do

Let’s be fair—there’s potential here:

• Owner’s Manual as a Conversation:
  “Why is this weird amber triangle blinking at me?” instead of flipping through 463 pages of doomscrolling symbols.
• Maintenance with Personality:
  “Your brake pads are at 10%. Want me to order them? Also, your tires are screaming in Morse code.”
• Driver Coaching:
  Real-time advice for track days, off-roading, or finally learning how to back into a parking spot without panic.
• Emergency Handling:
  Car accident? Flat tire in the middle of nowhere? A voice calmly walks you through what to do next, even calling for help if needed. Hopefully without also recommending a podcast about haunted drive-ins.

The Catch: Subscription Hell and Data Gobbling

Let’s not pretend automakers won’t completely fumble this. We have already taken a look into The Subscription Model Infiltrating Your New Car—but this time it will be different. Right? Right?!

• The cool features? Almost guaranteed to be subscription only. Want your car to talk like Samuel L. Jackson and also schedule your emissions test? That’s $5.99 a month, pal.
• Privacy? You’re sharing your location, driving habits, conversations, and probably your go-to gas station snack. Hope you like targeted ads for Takis and DOT 4 brake fluid.
• And the worst-case scenario: a chatty AI co-pilot that never shuts up. Imagine trying to parallel park while your car says, “Did you know Thomas Edison also hated left turns?”

So Is This the Future or Just a Glorified Clippy?

Both. If implemented right, this tech could turn your car into something actually helpful—smart enough to assist, passive enough to shut up when you don’t need it.

But if automakers pull an “AI-in-a-box” move and give us another locked-down voice assistant that just redirects us to a call center in Des Moines, we’re gonna wish we stuck with knobs and buttons.

In the meantime, we’ll be here waiting for the day we can say, “Hey ChatGPT, where’s the nearest junkyard with turbo’d Volvo wagons?” and it actually gets us.