Ah yes, April 1st. The one day a year when car companies trot out their least funny designers and have them pretend they made a pickup truck powered by essential oils or a luxury sedan that only plays vinyl records. Great. Thanks, BMW. Very quirky.
But in the spirit of honesty (and maybe a little therapy), let’s talk about the stuff in the car world that feels like a joke every day of the year — but unfortunately, is all too real.
1. $1,995 for Heated Seats Subscription
Remember when you just bought a car and it came with seats? And if you were fancy, those seats got warm in the winter? Well now, congratulations! You can pay nearly two grand over a few years to rent your own butt warmth. Thank you, BMW, for inventing Software-as-a-Butt-Service.
2. EV Range Anxiety is Still a Thing in 2025
It’s the future, and yet, I still have to plan bathroom breaks and hotel stays around whether a 65% charge can get me to the next Buc-ee’s. We put a car on Mars (kinda) but you still can’t drive to grandma’s house in Ohio without praying to the Tesla gods.
3. Every New Truck is $90,000 and Has a Massage Chair
Remember when pickup trucks had roll-down windows and interiors made of plastic harder than a Hot Wheels track? Now they cost more than a house in most zip codes and come with more lumbar support settings than a chiropractor’s chair.
Tough. Rugged. Built Ford Delicate.
4. CVTs Are Still Allowed to Exist
Imagine your car’s transmission sounds like a blender full of gravel on loop. That’s a CVT. They feel like rubber bands and cost like gold bracelets when they break. And somehow, people keep putting them in everything from Nissans to lawnmowers.
5. The “Base Model” Has 3 Screens and No Knobs
How did we end up with $38,000 base-model sedans that look like an iPad warehouse exploded inside? All screens, no buttons, and God forbid you try to turn on the AC without accidentally opening TikTok.
Give me knobs or give me heatstroke.
6. Car Insurance Costs More Than the Car
Rates are up 20-40% in some places. Have you tried not filing a claim? Or, you know, living in a zip code where teenagers don’t commit fender benders like it’s a sport? Too bad. That’ll be $325/month for a 2014 Honda Fit with 150,000 miles and a dented fender.
Good luck out there.
7. People Still Park Like Absolute Goblins
This isn’t new, but it’s eternal. If you’ve ever seen a 2024 GMC Yukon spread across three diagonal lines like it’s making a political statement, you know. Some say it’s laziness. I say it’s performance art.
8. Manufacturers Are Still Killing Off Manuals
Look, if you want to take away our third pedal, at least offer counseling. Or a refund. Or a sticker that says “I survived the death of driving.” Until then, we mourn the Mazda3, the Veloster N, and whatever soul you sold to make the automatic Corolla GR.
9. The “Car Enthusiast Tax”
Oh, you want a Miata? That’ll be $28,000. You want one with a stick? $31,000. Oh, you want the red one? LOL, $35,000. The second a car becomes remotely interesting, the market treats it like it’s a Ferrari made of unicorn bones.
10. Stellantis Still Exists
Seriously, it wasn’t a prank?
Happy April Fools, gearheads. Now go subscribe to your heated seats, cry into your $900 truck payment, and pray the CVT doesn’t explode.
Because the real joke is… we’re still here loving this ridiculous mess.
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