Hoopty

Introduction Remember when you could just buy a car and own all its features outright? Well, automakers would like you to forget that. The subscription economy has made its way into your garage, and it’s coming for your heated seats, remote start, and even your horsepower. Welcome to the brave new world where you don’t just own your car—you rent its capabilities.

The Shift to Subscription-Based Features It started innocently enough. Automakers began offering premium navigation, in-car Wi-Fi, and concierge services as optional paid upgrades. But somewhere along the way, someone decided, “Hey, what if we charged people every month for features that are already built into the car?”

BMW made headlines (and enemies) by attempting to charge $18 a month for heated seats—a feature that was physically installed in the car but locked behind a paywall. Mercedes-Benz took it up a notch by offering an Acceleration Increasesubscription, where owners of certain EVs could pay $1,200 per year to unlock additional torque and horsepower that their car already had.

Tesla has been in the game for years with its Full Self-Driving (FSD) package, which can be purchased outright for $12,000 or accessed via a monthly subscription. The catch? The hardware is in the car, but you don’t actually own the software’s full capability unless you keep paying.

Why Are Automakers Doing This? There are a few reasons why car companies are leaning into the subscription model:

1. Revenue Streams – Instead of making money just once when you buy the car, they can milk you for years with monthly fees.
2. Software-Defined Vehicles – Modern cars are basically computers on wheels, making it easier to enable or disable features via software.
3. Market Normalization – Consumers have gotten used to paying for subscriptions for entertainment (Netflix, Spotify) and even home appliances (Peloton, smart fridges). Why not cars?

The Consumer Backlash Car enthusiasts and regular drivers alike aren’t exactly thrilled about paying extra for features that were once standard. Many see it as nickel-and-diming customers who already paid tens of thousands for their vehicles.

Some countries are pushing back. BMW eventually scrapped its heated seat subscription in the UK and other markets after significant backlash. Consumers are also finding ways around these paywalls, with tech-savvy drivers hacking their vehicles to unlock features that are artificially restricted.

What’s Next? The subscription model isn’t going away anytime soon. If anything, it’s likely to expand. Imagine paying a monthly fee for:

• Adaptive Cruise Control – Want your car to adjust speed automatically? That’ll be $9.99 per month.
• Better Stereo Quality – Your sound system is capable of high-fidelity audio, but you need the “Premium Audio” subscription.
• Four-Wheel Drive – You have an AWD car, but unless you pay, it’s front-wheel drive only.

Conclusion Automakers see dollar signs in the subscription model, but consumers aren’t eager to embrace it. The future of car ownership may be less about owning and more about accessing—but whether drivers will accept this shift remains to be seen.

For now, enjoy your fully functional vehicle while you still can—before even rolling down the windows comes with a monthly fee.

Satire Disclaimer: No automakers were harmed in the making of this article—though their reputations might have taken a hit. If you find your car suddenly charging you for seatbelt functionality, don’t say we didn’t warn you.