Hoopty

Because Regular Doors Are Just Too Pedestrian

Somewhere along the line, a group of automotive designers—probably after a long night of overpriced whiskey and a PowerPoint presentation titled “Innovation: But Make It Useless”—decided that the humble car door was due for a revolution. Gone were the days when a simple handle and hinge sufficed. No, that was for peasants. If you wanted to signal true wealth, you needed a door that made a spectacle of itself.

The Gullwing: Because You’re Clearly A Spacecraft

When Mercedes rolled out the 300SL with its upward-opening gullwing doors, people lost their minds. “Wow, it looks like a jet fighter!” they said, conveniently ignoring that it also trapped you inside the car if it ever flipped over. Because nothing says luxury like requiring a can opener in the event of an emergency.

Tesla even took this absurdity further with the Model X’s Falcon Wing doors, which feature enough sensors to put NASA to shame—yet still manage to get stuck in underground parking garages. Progress!

Suicide Doors: The Perfect Way to Yeet Yourself into Traffic

Ah, the suicide door. A relic of the past that some carmakers decided to revive, because what’s a little extra risk when trying to exit a vehicle? Rolls-Royce, the undisputed king of excess, brought them back under the much safer name coach doors—as if that somehow made them less capable of sucking you into oncoming traffic.

The best part? Rolls-Royce assumes its clientele is so far removed from basic human function that they require a button to close the door. Because manually closing your own door? Unthinkable. You didn’t spend $500,000 on a car just to touch a handle like a commoner.

Scissor Doors: Because Getting In Should Be a Production

Lamborghini took a look at car doors and said, “What if getting into your car made you look like a magician performing a grand reveal?” And thus, scissor doors were born.

These doors aren’t just a design choice; they’re a full-blown personality trait. If you drive a Lambo, you’re required by law to swing them up dramatically in parking lots and pretend not to hear people whisper, “Compensating for something?”

Butterfly Doors: Gullwing’s Less Practical Cousin

McLaren decided that just having a door wasn’t enough, so they made them lift outward and up—because why stop at one unnecessary movement when you can have two? If you’ve ever dreamed of T-Rexing your way into a supercar, McLaren’s got you covered.

Sliding Doors: The True MVP, But Never Exotic

The sad reality? The best innovation in car doors is still the humble minivan’s sliding door. No parking lot dings, no awkward squeezing—just pure, unadulterated convenience. But do they get the credit they deserve? Nope. Instead, they get relegated to soccer moms and suburban dads, while Rolls-Royce spends millions on power-assisted coach doors so Chad in the back seat doesn’t have to lift a finger.

Just Give Us a Damn Handle

At the end of the day, we have spent decades trying to reinvent something that worked perfectly fine in the first place. Exotic doors may be fun in theory, but in reality, most of them are just complicated solutions to problems no one had. So next time you see a Rolls-Royce owner pressing a button to close their own door, just remember: no amount of luxury can buy you back the ability to do simple human tasks.