Hoopty

In a move that no one saw coming (except for that one guy on Reddit who “totally called it” two years ago), Nissan and Honda have officially announced a historic merger, forming what industry insiders are calling “Honssan” or “Nonda”—though executives insist the final name is still being focus-grouped.

The announcement came via a joint press conference where Nissan’s CEO Makoto Uchida and Honda’s CEO Toshihiro Mibe awkwardly fist-bumped before unveiling their new company motto: “Innovation… Maybe.”

Why Merge?

After years of battling it out in the “reliable but uninspiring” segment, Nissan and Honda finally realized they were just two sides of the same coin. Honda has been making sensible, efficient cars with incredible resale value, while Nissan has been making… cars.

Rumors suggest that both companies were tired of Toyota mopping the floor with them in sales and reputation. “If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t join ‘em—just merge with someone else and hope for the best,” said one anonymous executive sipping sake.

What’s Next?

With this merger, Nissan and Honda are promising a new era of automotive innovation that will combine their strengths while carefully avoiding their weaknesses. Early reports suggest:

• The Altimic – A hybrid of the Nissan Altima and the Honda Civic. Features include reckless-driver mode, vape holder, and a complimentary bumper sticker that says, “It’s paid off, bro.”
• The Rogcord – A crossover between the Nissan Rogue and Honda Accord. It’s like an SUV, but also a sedan, but also somehow neither.
• The GT-R Type R – Nissan’s R35 GT-R and Honda’s Civic Type R merge into one beastly AWD turbocharged machine that will exclusively be available in lime green and come with an automatic rev-matching exhaust that yells “VTEC JUST KICKED IN YO” on every shift.
• The Sentrafit – A Nissan Sentra with a Honda Fit’s reliability. Finally, a Sentra that won’t spontaneously combust after three oil changes.

New Technology and Features

Both brands will also collaborate on improving their notorious weaknesses. Nissan will finally have reliable CVTs (thanks, Honda), and Honda will now offer interiors that aren’t designed by someone who exclusively uses a 1998 IBM ThinkPad.

Meanwhile, Nissan’s self-driving technology will be merged with Honda’s, leading to the revolutionary “It’s Your Problem Now” Mode, which hands over full control to the driver at the worst possible time—like mid-U-turn during a police chase.

The Downside?

Not everyone is excited about the merger. Nissan Z and GT-R purists fear their beloved performance cars will now have Honda’s famous “fun tax,” where they cost $10,000 over MSRP and come with dealer-added “Enthusiast Fees.”Meanwhile, Honda loyalists worry that their cars will now depreciate like a rock thrown off a bridge—a classic Nissan feature.

Car enthusiasts are also mourning the possibility that Nissan’s legendary ability to make the same car for 15 years unchanged may be compromised—meaning we may never see a Frontier still in production in 2040 with the same turn signal stalk from 1998.

Final Thoughts

While the Nissan-Honda merger might be the biggest shake-up in the Japanese auto industry since the Toyota Supra became a BMW, one thing is certain: beige, sensible, CVT-equipped cars have never had a brighter future.

In completely unrelated news, Toyota has just announced it will be increasing RAV4 production by 300% to handle the incoming wave of disappointed Nissan and Honda customers.